


Retrospective

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [37]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Loki is very good at making people unhappy with him, M/M, Maria's not sure she's totally on board with this, Nick Fury Keeps Secrets For Good Reasons, POV Maria Hill, POV Outsider, and me continuing to explore the universe of this fic verse, or at least not for bad ones, this fic is mostly just people talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 07:18:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6792961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of "<a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/4070674">Collapse the Light Into Earth</a>", Maria Hill would like to know why she wasn't informed of the Loki Situation. </p>
<p>Also, she'd like to talk to Loki.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Retrospective

**Author's Note:**

> A new fic! And it isn't the Civil War fic. (That one's just barely in the planning stages. Seen it twice, loved it, excited about it.) And it also isn't either of my WIPs or the exchange fic I'm supposed to be writing! But hey, it is a new fic. So that's, you know. Nice?
> 
> An anon on my Tumblr asked me a while ago about Maria Hill and Loki and the possibility of a fic in Remember This Cold where they interact. I've thought some about who in SHIELD knew about Loki being on Earth (the answer is basically "Nick Fury, until he has to mention it to other people") and what would happen/how the fallout would look when folks did find out. Folks here just meaning Maria, because obviously [I already wrote one](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4468190) about what Coulson does.
> 
> So then I went and wrote 3000 words about that. 
> 
> Thank you to [ameliarating](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com) as always, and a whole bunch of other folks to boot, because it takes a village to keep Lise on task and not lying facedown on the floor.

“When were you going to tell me that the Avengers were hiding Loki?” Maria asked. Nick looked up from his computer slowly.

“When it was relevant,” he said, after a few moments of silence. “Which it was. Congratulations.”

Maria pressed her lips together hard so she didn’t say anything she’d regret. “Thanks,” she said, even flatter. “But that seems like the kind of thing that would be _relevant_ , generally speaking.”

“I disagree.” It was hard to have a decent confrontation, Maria thought ruefully, when one party insisted on being calm. And there was a sure sign of insanity: looking for an argument with Nick Fury. “If it helps,” he added, “I’m pretty sure Natasha didn’t tell _me_ for at minimum a year, probably more. And then only because she had to. And it seems she left some details out.” Nick sounded almost amused. Only Nat could get away with that kind of thing and leave Nick _amused._

“Does Phil know?” was her next question. Nick’s expression darkened.

“No,” he said. “And you’re not telling him.” Maria wasn’t inclined to argue with that. For Phil’s sake.

“And you just…” Maria waved a hand. “Let it go. You haven’t put any oversight, had anyone from us assess the situation…”

Nick sat back. “You try suggesting sending spies into Tony Stark’s _sanctum sanctorum_ and see what response you get. Not to mention I’d rather stay on Thor’s good side. And Captain America’s.”

Right. There was that, too. “How does Rogers fit into this?” She asked, with a bit of a sinking feeling. Hard not to guess, when she’d barely three days ago watched the architect of the attack on New York sobbing into Captain America’s chest. Fury gave her a level look.

“Why don’t you ask Rogers that question,” he said blandly. Maria worked her jaw from side to side.

“All due respect, sir,” she said tightly, “they could be compromised. It’s not safe. You saw what he did to HYDRA, _on his own._ And you’re comfortable just letting him run around off leash?”

Nick sat back and nudged the chair across from him. “Sit down, Hill,” he said. She sat. “How about a question. Say Loki goes crazy, goes for ruling the world attempt two. Who do we call, in that situation?” Hill grimaced.

Fury wasn’t done. “Then there’s the second question: do we have an alternative? As far as I know, we still don’t have a means of magic-proofing a facility, which means any cell we put him in he’ll just walk right out of, probably pissed off. Or do you think killing him’s a viable option? I’ll let you explain that to Thor and Rogers. At best, they walk away and we lose any kind of leverage we might have. At worst…” Nick shrugged. “Not to mention I’m not sure we _can_ kill him. We still don’t know the upper limit of Asgardians’ durability.”

“You already went over all this,” Maria said wearily.

“Yeah,” Nick said. “Back when Natasha told me that she needed my help getting Loki out of Latveria.” Maria stared at him.

“The Secretary’s visit,” she said, realizing. “When Doom double-crossed us and Thor…” She trailed off. She’d seen photos of the wreckage that was left of Doom’s castle. More to the point, what was left of _Doom._ _At worst,_ she thought.

“Yep,” Nick said. “Big brother was a little upset.”

“Ah,” she said. And sighed. “So you’re telling me we just have to live with this.”

“That’s what I’m telling you.” Nick examined her critically. “Can you live with that?”

Maria closed her eyes. “I can live with it.”

But she wasn’t going to be happy about it.

* * *

She brought it up over lunch with Natasha. “So,” she said. “Loki.”

Natasha set down her fork. “What a nice topic for lunchtime conversation,” she said. Maria narrowed her eyes.

“Might as well, since you didn’t mention it before now,” she said, a little testily. Natasha just looked at her, and Maria shook her head. “No, I’m not happy. Yes, I understand why this was a secret. But how are _you_ fine with this?”

“I wasn’t,” Natasha said. “For a while. Limited options, though, and the team took a vote on whether we’d let him stay.” She put her elbows on the table, leaning her chin on her hands. “He came to us. By that point Steve was pretty attached. I decided to tolerate it.”

“That’s changed,” Maria prompted.

Natasha hummed. “Yeah. I reassessed. Loki’s…more complicated than I thought he was. And Bruce made a good point about it being a good thing if he has a reason to think favorably of us. Of humanity.” She paused, looking thoughtful. “He and Thor are talking again. Do I trust him? No. But I also don’t think he’ll turn on us now.”

Maria ran a hand through her hair. “You don’t _think._ ”

“I’m never sure.” Natasha picked up her fork again.

“And what about Clint?” Maria asked. “He’s just fine with this arrangement?”

Natasha gave her another look. “He’s dealing. You want to know more than that, you can ask Clint.” Maria didn’t think that would get her anywhere, and she was pretty sure Natasha knew it too. But she knew better than to press.

“Seems like things used to be simpler,” Maria said. Natasha scoffed.

“Nah. Just a different kind of complicated.”

Maria hesitated, chewing on the inside of her cheek. “I’d like to talk to him,” she said abruptly. Natasha, fork halfway to her mouth, put it down again.

“To Loki?” She asked, sounding a little incredulous. Maria jerked her head in a nod, and Natasha’s eyebrows rose. “Why?”

“Is it that surprising?”

“A little.” Natasha studied her. “It’s a risk. Especially now. He’s not exactly at his most _stable_.” Maria felt a bit of a chill down her spine, but kept her expression neutral. “Right,” Natasha said, looking like she was thinking about rolling her eyes. “Okay. I’m going to need to run it by Steve _before_ I even mention it to Loki. Either of them says no…”

Maria wanted to ask how Natasha could be treating _the Loki_ like someone who got a say in this. “I can ask Steve myself,” she said, a little stiffly. Natasha shook her head.

“Better if it doesn’t come from you. Steve’s…” Her lips twisted up at one corner. “Protective. And he still sees you as SHIELD first, I think.” Maria was a little stung by that, but she kept it off her face. “As for Loki…well.” She shrugged. “I can’t tell you for sure, but if I had to guess I’d say he’ll agree. And then needle you for all it’s worth, trying to get a rise.” Natasha fixed Maria with a firm stare. “Don’t fall for it.”

“What do you mean, fall for it,” Maria asked suspiciously.

“He’ll play to your expectations,” Natasha said. “Or at least, that’s what he’s done with me. That or formal politeness, but with you I’m guessing the former. It’s a test. I think. Or a defense mechanism, or maybe both. It’s childish and irritating, but if you let him see he hit a nerve he’ll go straight for it. And that’ll get ugly fast.”

“Charming,” Maria said flatly.

“Yeah,” Natasha said, half smiling. “He can do that, too. You sure you want to do this?”

She needed to look him in the eye. “I’m sure.”

* * *

Steve agreed, but he didn’t seem happy about it. Loki, on the other hand, gave her a toothy grin when he swept into the living room where she was waiting. Neutral ground. “Agent Maria Hill,” he said, something faintly malevolent in his voice and the gleam in his eyes that made her fingers itch for a gun. “What a pleasure it is to see you. Again.”

“Loki,” Steve said, hovering by the door. There was a warning in his tone. Loki’s eyes flicked toward him, and Maria watched with interest as some silent communication passed between them, then Loki moved to pull Steve into a decidedly unchaste kiss that she judged was almost certainly for her benefit. When he pulled away Steve was flushed bright red and didn’t look toward her.

“I’ll behave,” Loki said, tone silkily unconvincing. Steve sighed, nodded at Maria, and left. She noted that he was still limping a little, moving carefully, but he seemed to be healing fairly well.

Most of her attention remained on Loki, who regarded her with an expression of mild curiosity and disdain. Other than the clothes (casual and modern) and the hair (shorter and softer looking) he looked almost exactly the same as he had in 2012. It made her skin crawl.

He cocked his head to the side. “To what do I owe the delight of your company?” He asked, impeccably polite with the faintest edge of irony underneath. Maria wondered if he thought she’d miss it. Showing that she wasn’t bothered by his presence (even if she was), she paced over to sit down on one of the chairs.

“I just found out you’ve been vacationing on Earth. Seemed like a good time to have a chat.”

“Ah,” Loki said lightly. “Not vacationing, I’m afraid. Would you like something to drink? I am sure there is alcohol of some sort. This place _does_ belong to Stark.”

“No, thanks,” Maria said, narrowing her eyes as Loki strolled casually over to the kitchen and filled a glass with ice water. “Not vacationing? How would you put it?”

“I see Romanov has not updated you on everything about the situation,” Loki said loftily, sipping at the water. “Asgard exiled me. It seems, for the moment, I live in this Realm. What do you think: should I apply for naturalized citizenship?” His smile was dazzling, sharp, and false. Maria kept her face blank.

“I guess that’s one reason not to try to destroy it again.”

“Rule,” Loki said, raising a finger. “A vital distinction.”

“Looked a lot like destruction to me.”

“Narrow minds have limited vision.” Loki blinked at her, expression one of cold, terrible nonchalance. Maria sucked in a breath through her nose, about to snap _your vision looked like a hundred and twenty SHIELD agents dead and over a thousand civilian casualties_ , only-

She remembered what Natasha had said, about Loki playing to expectations, trying to get a rise. She checked herself, sat back, and said coolly, “is that what you say to Steve?”

The gleam went out and the smile turned steel. Loki’s eyes narrowed. “And she shows her teeth.” Maria just looked at him, and after a long moment he walked over and sprawled in one of the chairs across from her. “No, it is not.”

“How do you explain it to him?”

Loki raised his eyebrows. “Explain what?”

“What you did.” She kept her voice flat. “What makes him think-” She choked on the words, a little, thinking of Phil, changed by his death, the bodies, the letters to families, Clint, Midtown burning.

“What makes him think that I am worthy of redemption?” Loki asked, sardonic. Another of those dazzlingly false smiles. “Simple. I told him that I was controlled by a monster even greater than I, forced into obedience to claim the Tesseract for my master.”

Maria felt her nostrils flare. “Don’t bullshit me,” she snapped. “You killed a lot of good people. Good _friends._ ”

“Are you sure about either? I would guess at least thirty percent of your deceased comrades were HYDRA.” Maria gritted her teeth. She was going to punch him. Except she’d probably just break her knuckles. She stayed where she was and said nothing. After a long moment, Loki sighed and glanced toward the windows, smile dropping away. “What do you want, Agent Hill? I cannot bring your dead friends back to life. I also doubt I could offer you an explanation that would make you feel their deaths were worthwhile. So if that was the aim of this pointless little exercise, I am afraid you have wasted your time and mine.”

The words were terse but the tone just sounded tired, and the sudden switch left Maria off balance. Maybe that was the intention. “Why agree, then,” she said. Loki looked at her sharply.

“Beg pardon?”

“If you thought meeting with me was worthless, why agree?” Maria put her hands flat on the table like she was about to stand, jaw set.

“Perhaps I am simply taking your measure,” Loki said, sitting back, expression smoothing to casual innocence. “We did not get much of a chance to talk, before.”

“Bullshit.”

“Is it?” He raised his eyebrows. “Well then. Do you have an alternate theory?”

Maria locked eyes with Loki, hers narrowed, his expressionless. “No,” she had to admit, finally. Loki smiled thinly and spread his hands.

“Then we are at an impasse, it seems.”

“You haven’t answered the question,” Maria asked, trying not to snap. She might be tense, but she had better control than this.

“Perhaps that is because you asked the wrong question.” Loki’s thin smile twisted. “You do not want to know how I _explained_ anything. You want to know if I feel guilt.”

Maria lifted her chin. “And do you?”

Loki looked like he was considering something. “I think that guilt does not matter,” he said. “It changes nothing, after all. What I feel or do not feel is immaterial. What matters is what I do. Is that not so?” She said nothing, waiting. Loki looked toward the windows. “And what I am doing is...very little, in truth. I could assure you I have no nefarious plans, but you have no reason to believe that either, I think.”

Maria had to acknowledge that. Had to acknowledge that he was right, that there wasn’t much he could say she would believe, and _nothing_ he could say that would make it _fine_ that he’d killed friends of hers, nearly killed Phil, would have done worse.

“Say I did believe you,” she said suddenly. “What would you say?”

Loki cocked his head a fraction to the side, expression smoothing to almost eerie blankness. “I would say - whatever else you believe, believe this: that I would not put Captain Rogers at risk for the world.”

Maria shook her head. “And that’s supposed to be enough?”

“It has to be, does it not? Or do you have another option?” Loki stood, and Maria stood with him, unwilling to give him that advantage even if he was still much taller than her. “Is there anything else?”

“Is there?” She asked. Loki gave her a thin smile.

“I am not the one who requested this meeting.”

“No,” she said finally. “Nothing further.”

He bowed, something not quite mocking about the gesture that nonetheless made her stiffen. “Then good day, Agent Hill. I hope you found some satisfaction.”

She hadn’t. Not really. “I’m sure you do.”

* * *

“How’d it go,” Natasha asked, walking Maria out. She shook her head and Natasha’s lips twitched. “That well, huh?”

“It could have been worse.” She probably would’ve expected worse. “He seems like he’s both…a different person and exactly the same. Do you know what I mean?”

Natasha shrugged. “Yeah, I do. And of course it’s hard to know how much of what he says is true. I tend to put the ratio at about 70% bullshit.”

“So how do you trust him?” Maria asked.

“I don’t,” Natasha said. “But actions speak louder than words, and what he’s _done_ in the last few years _…_ the worst thing I could accuse him of is killing a lot of Hydra agents, and I’m perfectly comfortable with letting that slide.”

Maria grimaced. “Maybe. But what about before that? Does that just vanish?”

“No,” Natasha said, after a moment’s pause. “No one’s past does.”

Maria could hear the subtext there. She got into the car and leaned her head back with a sigh. Logically, she knew Natasha was right, and Nick was right, and there weren’t any other good options. And she knew how this worked. War criminals got quietly pardoned all the time. SHIELD’s hands weren’t clean. _Still._

_I think that guilt does not matter._ Not an answer, really. She wondered if he had one. Maybe he wasn’t even capable.

No, that was the easy way out. She thought back through the rest of the conversation, remembering what Natasha had said. He had seemed to change, partway through, and overall…he didn’t seem much like the man she remembered. Or he did, but not just that.

Of course, she’d also seen him knock Iron Man out of the sky without too much effort. Too much power in too unstable a package, was what Maria thought. But she could probably say the same of Dr. Banner, or even Tony.

This was all giving her a headache.

One thing Maria did believe him about: _I would not put Captain Rogers at risk for the world._ She just didn’t quite know if that was a good thing or a bad one.

She called Nick. “Good talk?” He said dryly.

“Tell me you’re working on something that can deal with him if this becomes a problem,” she said bluntly. Nick was quiet for a second.

“I always have contingency plans, Maria,” he said. “You know that.”

It was enough of an answer. She exhaled. “I know.” But she’d still wondered. She wondered if Natasha knew. If Steve did. “In answer to your first question – no, it wasn’t. But I still needed to do it.”

“Did I say you shouldn’t?” Maria let that one go. Nick knew he didn’t have to say a word to make it clear when he thought something was a bad idea. And this probably had been. But like she’d said – she’d needed to do it.

_No one’s past does._ No one had told her she needed to forget. Or forgive. Loki, she realized, hadn’t asked for either. She’d been angry about what seemed like a lack of remorse, but if he had shown it she probably would have taken it as an attempt at manipulation. That would’ve pissed her off even more.

Maybe the whole show, start to finish, had been for her benefit. Playing to her expectations. But not just like Natasha’d said: needling or looking for weakness. He’d known what she was looking for, what she would and wouldn’t accept, and given exactly that.

Maria stared blankly ahead. She didn’t know what to think of that.

Maybe she just wouldn’t. Maybe it was a waste of time trying to figure Loki out at all, because his brain worked in some bizarre way that a mere mortal couldn’t hope to comprehend, or at least a sane one.

That was deeply unsatisfying, like everything about the entire situation.

_Fuck this,_ she thought, but it was more tired than angry.

The car pulled up at her hotel. Maria paid the driver and picked up an envelope from the front desk before taking the elevator up to her room. She poured herself a glass of whiskey on the rocks from the minibar and tore open the envelope, pulling out the sheaf of papers inside and glancing at the note on top: _for your assessment, thx. -P_

She sat down at the table with a view out the window and sipped her whiskey, taking a deep breath and letting it out.

Maria unclipped the note and pulled the first profile toward her. There was still work to do.


End file.
